Fore

I've spent a fair amount of time awake at these hours lately, paralyzed by my stream-of-consciousness brain and its inability to shut off.  Twelve year-old Scotch will usually do the trick but I've only been imbibing for the right reasons recently, an important distinction.

I'm awake because of being unsettled, of trying to rationalize and become comfortable with a new set of facts.  I have always wanted the things that I create to be rooted in humor before anything else, I have found that harder recently than it has ever been before but that doesn't mean I remain any less committed to it than I have always been.  The potential that springs from a quantitative aptitude and a love for dinosaurs really does seem limitless.  Ever expanding like the universe.

I have never been jaded or particularly cynical and I don't really care to add those things to my repertoire.  I would instead like to think that the perpetually smiling blue-eyed kid that exists in every family photo is still at the heart of me.  I don't think I have ever thought so much about being forgotten or finite as I have recently.  Those just aren't distinctions that I would wish upon anyone, finite is about the antithesis of how I view the world.  Life isn't a zero-sum game you know, you don't balance off what you give and what you get, that's why accountants aren't much fun, it isn't a very relevant skill set to being good at life.

So here I am, trying to tilt the balance back toward myself.  I'm not good at turning off my self-reflection, I'm incapable of putting my head down and moving past things that I could only mislead myself into thinking aren't important.  So instead I have a plan; protect what matters to me, remain the committed and rather certain version of myself that I know I will always be.  I think I am better that way, best as a witty supportive partner in crime.  Always prepared with the next joke, even if I know it is going to sail over heads like the last one.  That just functions as a good screen of those around me, I know to pay more attention to the one's that laugh.  Boondock for one, always my favorite.

I know what matters to me and so does everyone else who stops to listen for more than a few minutes.  Those priorities haven't changed a bit in a rather long time and in order to let my head finally rest I'm not going to try to figure out if they should have.  They didn't and I actually think I prefer it that way.  Certainty provides calm in that respect.  I'm going to hold on pretty tightly to those things, they just mean too much to me to let them go or distort them.  The part that my head has been searching for is some kind of external OK.  I never needed one before, I don't know why I would want one now, fear does odd things to people.  I think the odds are still in my favor that I am more substantial than that, more valuable than that.  I really liked that thought right there, I think I'll leave it at that.

Good morning Mr. Market,

-BRM